Introducing Kink Without Screams and Shouts (Unless That's What You Want) Part 1

Are you bored? Looking to rekindle some spark in your relationship? You love your partner dearly, but the standard three positions (missionary, doggy, and her/him on top) just aren't doing it for you like they used to. Sooo.....what are your options? Well you could plan an elaborate romantic evening. Create the feeling of anticipation and voila you've got some excitement! You could add a small vibrator and increase the intensity of your orgasm, your partners orgasm, or both your orgasms (everybody wins)! Or you could drive by your local toy store and pick up four or five items, surprise your spouse and get busy! If you read the last sentence and thought, “I don't know, that could scare somebody and bring about a really awkward situation.” Congratulations! You my friend understand the subtly in adding some kink to your life. If you're the individual that has toyed with the fantasy of surprising your partner, I advice you to put down your car keys and read this first. What follows are some general rules of thumb for adding whips, chains, and molten candle wax, and anything else you deign to add to your sex life. And this article will be in 2 parts. The first is addressed to the persons looking to add some kink into their life. The second article will address the person who is being presented with question of if, when, and how kink will be added into the sexual relationship. Because to be clear, your responses are as important as your partners desires and approach, and the name of the game as always is empathy, balance, and compromise.

#1: Ruminate On What You Like And Would Like To Try

When people ask an expert like myself, “How do I spice up the bedroom?” My first question is, “Well what are you into?” And seven times out of ten, people look blankly at me and shrug and simply expect me to have the right answer. Sorry, but it doesn't work that way and it won't work any better for your partner either. You should have some idea of what you'd like to add. And this is where I become a loud advocate for pornography. All the exploitation aside, porn lets you know what might wet your whistle. See a chick getting flogged and you're getting all hot and bothered, well maybe you're wanting to be the flogger or the recipient, spend some time in your personal fantasy land figure it out. Did you happen to see some rimming (licking of the anus) and weren't grossed out as some are want to do and even intrigued. Guess what you might like some anal action (again either being the recipient or the giver). Or maybe visuals aren't your cup of tea, read some erotic novels and remember the parts that got you excited, maybe its time to recreate the scene for yourself.

The point is that you've got to search yourself, your surroundings and the plethora of information that abounds to find out what turns you on. Once you've got an idea of what you like, now you're ready to talk to your partner. Notice: This advice is not to be confused for, I-Know-What-I-Want-So-Do-It-For-Me, your partner has be willing and they may have some ideas of their own. Which brings me to my next point....

# 2: Once You Know What You'd Like, TALK To Your Partner

This can be down right terrifying and for good reason. It's a matter of vulnerability and the possibility of rejection, even when you've already won the game, you got the partner. But you want to keep your partner and stay sexually satisfied in the relationship and this is no easy matter for most folks. One tried and true tactic that is also incredibly passive-aggressive: bring up the kink in casual conversation and believe me, where there are 2 or more adults, sex will come up so this is not as hard as it may seem. If your partner is not disgusted and even manages to laugh about it, you might have a shot. However if they recoil in horror, remember all may not be lost. If this conversation is with other adults besides you two, your partner could be sticking with conventional societal mores on sex in an effort to appear “vanilla,” and may not be saying how much they're actually turned on by the idea.

But lets say you want to be direct and forthright your next question would be, “When is the right time?” And the answer is: there is no such thing. You could it bring up during sex or after sex kind of like say, “What's a fantasy you've had that you might like to act out?” in post-cuddle bliss when inhibitions are low (like-wise with a nice wine/liquor/pure inebriation evening). You could ask during a TV show, so their attention isn't directed with a laser-like focus on you or what you say, thereby leaving the power of suggestion in its wake. Or you could say, “Sweetie, I'd like to set aside some time to talk about adding a little extra to our bedroom activities. I love you, I am quite satisfied, but I suppose it'd be nice to diversify and try something new, you know staying open to new experiences. Would this be something you're interested in discussing?” Because the worst they can say is, “No, never.” Which brings me to my third and final point....

# 3: If You've Presented Your Idea And Been Rejected, Here Are Some Thoughts For The Future

While discussions of sex are less taboo now than in years past, plenty of people were still raised to believe sex to be sordid, icky, and utilizing any sort of creativity in the endeavor is to be frowned upon. If your partner is initially not very receptive to your ideas it could be that they have some hang ups and it might be a good idea to talk with a sex therapist, as a couple and individually, to see if those hang ups can be addressed. Even in a heart felt person-to-person conversation without a mediator, you all may find more common ground than you initially thought. Also there are also issues of timing, and not about having the conversation itself, but about trying to incorporate something new into the relationship. Maybe one or both of you is incredibly busy between career, family and friends and taking the time right at that moment may be a bit more than their plate can handle. In this case you all can agree to table the discussion and exploration until a better time.

However if this conversation and exploration of sexuality keeps getting tabled it could be the subtle clue that your partner really has no desire to add some variety to your sex life. In this case some real private soul searching on your part might be in order. If some of the ideas and desires you have become more than a passing fancy, but something you're genuinely and passionately drawn to, you have a decision before you: express this to your partner, check their response and proceed from there or weigh the possibility of ending the relationship. Sex and sexual satisfaction is not the most important part of a relationship, communication and compromise are, and yet a lack of sexual satisfaction can have far reaching implications in a relationship that is intended to last. An unwillingness in a partner to even explore other possibilities can illustrate how they might handle other conflicts in the relationship. Many people subjugate their desires for the growth and longevity of the relationship which is not always a bad thing, but when people subjugate needs (ostensibly a desire that will not go away, no matter how much you try to train your mind otherwise), things generally go wrong. So should you find yourself being shot down, do soul search because only you know if what you you're feeling is a desire or a need.