Battered People, Batter People: We Need To Do Better

So I was watching TMZ the other day and they were talking about a new girl friend or paramour that, popular R&B singer Chris Brown was seeing. And during the broadcast, the hosts and other celebrity researchers were commenting about how could a woman, any woman, after hearing about the brutal violence against women that he has shown himself capable of, would have anything to do with him. This is obviously something that strikes a cord with a lot of us. In the past, it was substantiated that he brutally attacked R&B singer Rihanna and there were rumors that his next to latest has said that Brown has been abusive towards her as well.

Being an intimacy and pleasure coach, I definitely have some strong feelings about this situation. First, there is a public perception, that could not be in keeping with who Brown is on a fairly normal basis. Two is that, for reasons that only Brown and his therapist would know, he gets angry enough to act out and or get accused of it often enough that there does seem some problem or thing going on. And as someone who talks to people, couples and individuals on a regular basis about the state of their self expression, Brown's situation, as far as we know is complicated to say the least. As the host and other people on TMZ were commenting on Chris's new beau, they stated that, “some women think, 'well maybe it won't be me'” in regards to the violence reported on concerning Chris Brown.

And I see two very trippy things going here in terms of self expression. A person placing themselves in a situation where violence might easily ensue is not a rational thing to do. Neither is having an emotion, raging so hotly within one self that beating another person seems like the best course of action at the time. And yet what's being reported on is an example of a pattern and category of behavior many women and men engage in; explosive self expression and someone turning a blind eye to it. And, here's a kicker, it's okay (not be confused with not working to do better, but that this happens and we must deal). We turn a blind eye because it hurts to see people mistreat each other, so we would rather not deal, then hold the person accountable. We also find it hard to hold the person accountable because with any empathy, you recognize, a person who hurts others, is in a state of hurting themselves, so we feel even less capable to say something meaningful about it.

How do we ameliorate the pain of a man like Chris Brown and how do we ameliorate the pain caused to the women who find themselves in these situations? It's not an easy answer and its no answer at all really; we maintain a legal system for justice, we maintain supportive networks for battered women, and we pray and hope that it helps.

But from a collective, a broader picture; acting out in violence towards another is the biggest red herring of a certain type of weakness there is, a lack of healthy coping. For years, as seen in TV and in movies and in plenty of books, violence against women almost seems like a past time rather than an aberration of the “normal, gentle” narrative we like to tell ourselves about how our mates treat us. In the case of men, coping is something that looks like endurance, not release. Work out, punch a bag, grab drinks with friends. We wouldn't find many recommending Brown or man like him, go take a bath, lay in the grass and feel the sun on your face because nothing about that looks like you're enduring with grim determination.

Modern society, its time to wake up to something that impacts our personal and specifically our romantic relationships, a masculine life is rife with challenges, like a feminine life, and both are told to endure the struggles for a promise of better. But that better begins with healthy coping. But we often times don't know to engage healthy coping, until we've engaged the unhealthy kind. This is okay, it's a learning experience. But hopefully what we learn is that enduring emotional tension and strain like a tree that won't break in a tornado is a recipe for more violent outbursts. How we communicate, how we cope, and how we express our personality, opinions, morals, and ideas starts with understanding that we need far more flexibility and adaptability in the politics of what it takes 'to be a man' and what it take 'be a woman'. Without it, too many of us will end broken and battered and breaking and battering others and no one wins there.