A Bad Relationship? Or Something Else?

Bad relationships, we think we know them. Fighting all the time, or maybe a lack of communication, tension, abusive, constantly seeming at odds with one another. When we look in on friends, family's, and acquaintances relationships, if we happen to observe these things we're inclined to think that these two people are in a bad relationship or a more positive spin would be a 'bad spell' in the relationship. And we especially think that, if we're on the end of hearing one or the other complaining regularly about their relationship. And in either perception, bad relationship or bad spell, we 'see' things as bad between these people because quite frankly appear to be in pain and distress, which we consider 'bad'.

But, I believe there is more going on there than just a comparative notion between a bad or good relationship. In a good relationship, communication is more free flowing, less tension, a sense of union and a type of familiar, safe, and comfortable equilibrium between two different personalities. A good relationship is attainable, but the qualities that are listed above, often times do not come about without what looks like a 'bad relationship'. And that is because as we go through our lives, we experience things that challenge us. In a union, this can present problems because one or the other person is going through an experience that challenges them to grow their character, maturity, and flexibility, among other qualities. There are many hallmarks for what a 'bad relationship' looks like and is, but those same hallmarks are also sometimes the growing pains of an individual or individuals inside that relationship.

So I like to think of a bad relationship as a state of being that can change, not a static description of a romantic pairing gone wrong. A relationship, becomes bad when it stays that way. When the couple can not seem to find their way back to effective communication, relaxation, solidity, and a renewed and rejuvenated healthy commitment.

And here's a truth: the path back to a good relationship, is through the fire, so to speak. The most enduring relationships are the one's that pick their way through these challenges to their relationship. And relationships have components, the internal and the external. If a relationship is suffering challenge from an external source like material insecurity, outside pressures of family and friends expectations, etc. then carrying on a relationship can be exceptionally difficult. Because until the external sources are dealt with, consistent pressure on the relationship can strain the motivation, effort, and energy to keep the behaviors that constitute a 'bad' relationship at bay.

And when a relationship is suffering from internal strife, it's an opportunity to either get out, dig in, or take a breather and get your bearings. The thing about internal struggles in the relationship, communication that gets run into a ditch, angry conduct, emotional distance, etc. is that these things don't have to last, they can change when you and your partner say, “We are going to do something about this, together, as a team. Facing the battering rams, one by one, until we have this sorted.” The power of commitment to this plan of action can not understated in how well things can improve from there. But to start, the couple needs to believe that they are not in a 'bad relationship', but a 'bad spell'. Words and there meaning carry weight in how we react to them, terming or getting termed as 'bad' can make it difficult to move in the direction of good because a description can become a state of being in our minds so fast, we can get proverbial whiplash from it. For yourselves, for your friends, be careful and mindful of the descriptive words used to encapsulate an understanding about something, you might just consign yourselves and others to a static situation, not dynamic and brimming with the opportunity to grow and change.