Cheating: The Ugly Truth and the Silver Lining

Cheating is an act of betrayal. There isn't a prettier way to say it because it doesn't exist. However, where perceptions might skew a bit is that, cheating hurts both individual's in the situation when it arises in a relationship. Cheating hurts the person being cheated on and cheating hurts the person doing the cheating because the cheater is unaware of the self-damage that's caused by engaging in such an act.

Now people who have been cheated on probably don't want to hear of the pain their partner or spouse is in because their pain, and rightly so, is so visceral at the moment of finding out. However, it's important to acknowledge it as well; and one reason is because, the person who has cheated needs to know why they cheated, so they can refrain from such a betrayal in the future. One of the problems with trying to get assurances from someone that they won't cheat after the fact or during the dating/coupling up portion of the relationship is because: even then, neither person knows when the situation might come up. Specifically, neither party in the relationship knows when an opportunity to cheat will arise and what will be the behavior of the individuals involved, from flirting and all the way on up to and including the act of cheating.

Some common places and situations for cheating include where you work and ultimately who you spend a decent amount of time around and you don't feel 'attraction avoidance' around them (i.e. neither of you are attracted or attracted enough to each other to be in much danger). And even more complicated is that the longer you spend time around someone, the danger increases that even 'attraction avoidance' becomes a problem.

So for the ugly truth about cheating: the temptation, regardless of where you are in your relationship, is a possibility floating in the wind. Chemistry between two people is just that, chemistry; a mixture of statements, interactions, and reactions that align to create a unique quality of our lives, attraction. And when one cheats, there are usually a myriad of reasons why, but the main lead up is usually tied to some sort of dissatisfaction in the current relationship. But the bottom line is that, the cheater, in the moment of crossing the threshold between not cheating and cheating, something happens: for a moment, the care for their partner's feelings gets tossed aside. It is not a permanent state of being. Cheaters usually feel great guilt afterwards because they care.

As the person who is cheated on, this seems to be a lie, if there ever was one. Because in the moment of finding out your spouse, your partner, the person you put trust into, betrayed that trust, they can not imagine the temporal state of tossing aside care for another, for even an instant, because their pain is so great that they can not comprehend someone committing an act that causes someone the terrible amount of distress they are in.

Some of the best advice to give, particularly if both partners can 'see' past the emotions for a bit, is to acknowledge how fleeting our control of perfect caring and illustration of ongoing love can be. In recognizing how fleeting that control can be is a real opportunity to heal and say the things that need to be said to one another, about what each of you are not receiving from the relationship, that is unequivocally a need. And this is sometimes, the vent of frustration you all are having on multiple fronts that needs to be dealt with. Cheating is a cry for help, but often times neither party really answers the call because the real hurt can be so intense, it causes behaviors that are intended to avoid, but lead you right back to where you need be; communicating with your partner, truthfully, honestly, earnestly, and with integrity to who you are.

#love #cheating #healing #advice #relationships