My Partner Wants to Slap Me! What Do I Do? Part 2

If you've ever been in a relationship, either short or long term, at some point in time you get asked to engage in a sexual activity that initially leaves you intrigued, hesitant, disgusted or sometimes all three! When this happens there is a very real question of what to do. Some people flat out refuse, others stall until a later date while never really coming to a decision, others go ahead and say they're game only to find out they are so not into this situation. And truth be told all of these responses may not be exactly right. Outright rejection means no room for compromise, stalling doesn't give fair weight to your partners concerns and desires, and simply going along and submitting to another's wishes robs a person of their agency and ability to direct their sexual satisfaction. So what to do? Well.....as I mentioned in the companion piece to this article empathy, balance, and compromise are the name of the game, so lets play.

#1 Listen Openly

A pretty common mistake people make in relationships and that is not solely related to sex is that we dash the hopes of our partners right out of hand the minute we hear them make a suggestion that makes us uncomfortable. The suggestion could be about a giant move, changing the family's eating habits, engaging in anal play, or even adding a 3rd wheel. Regardless of the suggestion a good rule of thumb is to really hear the other person first. If the suggestion just seems anathema to everything you are about, remember that simply because an experience is outside your knowledge and comfort zone does not preclude the possibility that it could be one of the best experiences of your life.

And this does not mean, 'just do it' and see what happens. It means an honest discussion about the requested sexual activity. What are your hang ups? What does this mean to you morally? What does this fantasy do for your partner? How does this meet their desire or need? Do you believe in sexual needs? Listening openly means the possibility of understanding and compromise if the initial idea is simply too much to take. Listening openly is about communicating with your partner without judgment or condemnation, but a sincere desire to understand your spouse. Sexuality and our expression of it is a complex and at times messy affair, but understanding your partner and being understood, even if the requested sexual activity can not be engaged in for any number of reasons, is still a wholly more satisfying outcome then a closed, no room for discussion response.

#2 Choose Your Response Carefully

I can not express how important it is to try and have a measured response to a suggestion of kink in the bedroom. Many people even if they've never engaged before are still very much of the idea, “Well I haven't thought to try that, but hey why not?” But depending on your values and what you have been exposed to any suggestion can make a person feel incredibly overwhelmed. If you're feeling overwhelmed remember that lashing out in anger because your partner has caught you so off guard is definitely not the way to respond. Speechlessness might also be your initial response, but behind that you might want to include something like, “This is an interesting suggestion, give me a chance to think for a moment.” This can be used to good effect in a yet to be concluded conversation or something to table for a later date, but make sure you're clear about which time table you mean. Your partner, despite however close you two are, has made themselves incredibly vulnerable because they believe the strength of your union can handle this.

Also if you happen to be with a very sex positive person remember that they may have a moderate amount of vulnerability and anxiety as well. Why? Because sex, regardless of if you're in a short term, long term, or even a casual liaison, is an intensely personal, profoundly exposing activity. From the nakedness, to the grunts, moans, facial expressions, sweat, scents, etc [not to be too graphic, but to drive home the point that]; sex, also regardless of social or cultural mores, is such an incredibly bonded experience, however temporary it might be, that feelings of vulnerability and nervousness are inevitable. That level of emotional exposure requires and demands a measured response if the idea is presented respectfully and without guile. If your immediate reaction isn't a 'Hell yeah, lets go!” then do yourself and your partner a favor and really think about your response. Give the suggestion/request the respect it deserves.

#3 Do Your Own Ruminating

So your partner has presented you with some kinky idea. You've listened, you've responded in a measured way, what to do now? Well take some alone time to think to yourself about what you're interested in. If you're a couple whose done a few things before, your thinking probably won't be as emotionally wrought with, “Should I do this?”, “How do I feel about this?”, “Is this embarrassing or absolutely gross to me? And if so, why? And how do I discuss this with my partner?” However depending on the suggestion, any of these questions may come up among others and taking some time to think by yourself can be incredibly enriching and gratifying. As I mentioned in part one, taking time to go over some fantasies, maybe a little pornography can give you a chance to learn more about your own desires and see if you can add some things to the bedroom that you want to do and if you need help presenting the idea to your partner make sure to read part one of this article.

Overall adding some kink and moving beyond 'vanilla' sex can be a wonderfully liberating experience. And it's important for the person presenting and the person being presented to give the vulnerability and anxiety of finding sexual satisfaction the respect it deserves. Communication, trying to put yourself in your partners shoes, and trying to find a happy medium with your partners suggestions will generally lead to a healthful, fruitful and seriously fun relationship.