The Pain Before the Pleasure: A Sticky Issue

Love's War is first and foremost about truth telling and in the BDSM life style, particularly after 50 Shades of Grey, we know that pain can be pleasurable. This is something, very few us who are having sex on a regular basis don't know, even those who engage in what is considered vanilla sex (nothing too fancy, simple positions, etc.). But the real issue is just how much some like pain, either giving or receiving it. And I think the reason that this doesn't get talked about often is because of the very nature of the sex act itself (whether gay, straight, or trans), the very act of penetration is a violent act, because no matter how lubed up or wet someone is, that first thrust, usually some pain is involved and the dirty secret is that, most of us like it a whole hell of a lot. Unless someone is virginal, super tight, or the sphincter has not been massaged and loosened enough; the very penetrative act is intrusive, slightly uncomfortable or even painful and yet freaking intoxicating too.

I write about this because I think this desire for the pain and pleasure (hey it releases endorphins, before you even reach orgasmic stride), is at the heart of the problems we have with sexuality in this country and indeed sexuality around the world. There are those of us who know about the rampant assaults in certain countries, rape culture in western nations, and the practice of actually drying the openings on purpose for the express purpose of making entry, tight and down right destructively painful. We see this, we hear about it, we click articles, and then we go on about our lives, never analyzing how those heinous practices came about.

Years of studying sexuality culture and social psychology has shown that things like too much porn watching, over thinking on sex itself, and over fetishizing certain aspects of daily life; can almost bring about an inoculation to the pain of others and even the pain a person imagines they cause another because they've lost some functional empathy. I think this happens because we're not acknowledging the most basic precepts about sex. And to be clear, I am not about the whole, “all sex is rape or assault,” because if that was true humans would have extincted ourselves a long time ago. What I seek for people to acknowledge is that pain, some discomfort, is an essential part of the sex act. The sooner we recognize that, the sooner we can engage that pain healthfully, and our own terms, much like the BDSM community has already started on. We can learn a thing or two from them. And its high time we start as soon as possible. As a woman, as an individual, and as a citizen of this country and world; I fervently want to see sexual assault eradicated, because there is a way to meet just about any basic and essential need concerning one's sexuality, one simply needs to think deep, look inside and talk to someone about what they actually want. Communication is fundamental.