Rules for Great Sex!

or Thoughtful Suggestions that Should Be Taken Seriously

I titled this the way I did because there actually are VERY FEW hard and fast rules when it comes to great sex. What works for someone else will be hell another. (Trust me, working in adult toy store showed me a whole other side to human sexuality! :-)

That suggestion on a sexual position or toy that you got from a magazine or a friend's suggestion can back fire terrifically because everybody's bodies are different. What feels great to one person, will feel terrible another. The best four rules I can honestly give for great sex is communication, consent, openness, and a healthy level of silliness.

Communication:

So.......talk to your partner. Whether they're your spouse of many years and the newest fuck toy in your collection you've got to communicate people. I can not tell you how many times customers and clients have said things they wanted out of their relationship, sexually or otherwise, and somehow NEVER said the words they used with me to express themselves to the person they've tasked themselves to being with. Lots of reasons exist, there has been a breakdown in communication, feeling your partner will not listen or is un-supportive, etc. There are a lot of reasons to clam up when it comes to talking things out with the person they've chosen to be with. And for good reason, your desires could be seen as perversion by someone. Your wants for your life could be in direct conflict with what your partner wants out of their life. However, no matter how painful these conversations are and consequences that could result from them, you have to talk these things out. Festering problems and resentments will bring about changes in your life, whether you want them or not, so you might as well get it over with. Although I would add.........think on what you'd like to say with as little angry, accusatory language as possible. Few of us will listen to anyone, our partners included, if we feel attacked and blamed before the conversation has even started. For words to never use, click here.

Consent:

I feel like the section title is enough said. The person, partner, casual acquaintance, fetish play mate, what have you should be awake (unless by pre-arranged agreement), aware, active, game, enthusiastic, and above all a willing participant in the sexual shenanigans that will be underfoot. Whether its vanilla or extreme BDSM, make sure you've discussed the parameters of consent and what it means to each of you. Needless to say, 'No' means no, unless otherwise noted in your sexual agreement (i.e. role play that calls for the appearance of resistance). And both genders can be capable of riding roughshod over your partners wishes, so take note boys and girls; ask politely, discuss, discuss, discuss, and let the games begin.

Openness:

Openness is not a universal personality trait, unfortunately. It's either in you innately or you have to work really, really hard at it. And once again I mention all the sad stories I listened to from men and women about how hard it was to get their partner to try new things. Individuals like this are likely to have a hard time trying lots of new things (although exceptions exist). And also many of us exist on a continuum, there are things we would never try and other things that if only we were exposed to it, we would jump on it immediately

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So whether your heart races in anxiety or you initially feel resistance/resentment when someone mentions trying something new (the stodgy sort) or you're the person that runs head first off the cliff when anything new and shiny shows up (the risk taker), remember moderated openness still wins every time. Why? Because throwing yourself into anything new without understanding it very well generally ends in disaster. And likewise, if you don't open up to new experiences, sexual ones included, you could be missing out. Whether its a new fruit, book, song, tv show, or vibrator, not being open enough to try it at least once, will leave you without the novelty and richness of life that all of us need. Its a prerequisite for human living, we like the joy of the novel as much as we're comforted by tradition and familiar. The best of all possibilities starts and ends with moderation, being open, but not being reckless.

Healthy Level of Silliness:

Have you ever seen the movie Dogma? Well there's this scene where an angel is talking to the main female protagonist and he notes that 'sex is a big joke to angels and is it any surprise because sex seems to be a big joke on earth too' (paraphrasing here). But the main point here is that sex is funny! It is is a goddam riot; between pulled muscles, sweat, grunts, smells, and even the dangerous creative objects people manage to shove up themselves, sex is the height of hilarity. Having good sex means embracing this, the queefs, the accidental elbow, the awkward head but before a kiss. Not taking it so seriously would really relieve the pressure and allow all parties involved to just enjoy themselves more freely. There is plenty of seriousness when it comes to sex; birth control, sti protection, erectile dysfunction, dryness, navigating the sticky territory of whether to cuddle or not (trust me, this has broken up marriages), monogamy or poly, consent, assault, and so on and so on.

With all that to deal with, creating additional pressure because of looks, hang ups, and or making what appears to be a mistake but is just you being very human and very beautiful useless. It takes away from the pleasure and creates a real block to pleasure. If you're counting your strokes or trying to hide belly fat, you are not in the moment and this will detract from the joy and unless you're doing right then and there for a kid, then this is for joy, right? So release the hang ups, the prissyness, the hyper masculinity and get to the pure joy of bumping uglies with someone you (ideally) like or love, respect, and just think this is the most kick ass person ever.